How I feel

I’m sorry that this a morbid blog but I feel awful right now and I need a place to lay out my feelings. I just want to understand them.

They’re not new, I’ve had them for about 2 years but I’ve had enough of them. Anyone who’s reading, if anyone, because it’s not like anyone reads my blog posts anyway, is probably thinking about leaving but if you stay then thank you. Thank you so much.

I’ve been feeling unwanted. Like no one cares for me. It’s horrible and I hate it so much. It was the reason that I started this blog but considering I get 0 views EVERY single post, then it only made me feel worse. That’s why I took a break from it. No one cares for me on here, I tried so hard to engage with people but that was all in vain, nothing was returned.

I want things to get better but I’m beginning to doubt that they will.

No one from school ever messages me even though I message them. Whilst some peoples phones are always going off with messages, mines completely silent.

I have a best friend but she drives me insane. She’s completely different when she’s with me than when she’s with other people. When she’s with other people she talks quite a bit and makes joke but when with me there’s complete silence. I try so hard to make conversation, things that if I said it to someone else we’d have a proper conversation on. She never makes conversation with me and for me, it’s really boring when there’s just me and her because there’s only me trying. It’s not a phase because it’s been going on for two years. A while ago, her and a friends were out and her friend wanted to walk to her other friend’s house (which is about 5 minutes away from mine). So they went and she didn’t even think to call for me, they’d walked quite a while to go for the other person’s best friend but she didn’t come for me. This just highlighted the difference between us for me, how most best friends would do so much for theirs but mine won’t do hardly anything for me. She always seems to make more effort with everyone else and does nothing for me. We used to be close but not anymore. I try to text her but she, like everyone else, never messages me first. Last year, her, someone else and I were doing a project and I asked if something else could be added to the section that I was doing because I was doing less than the others and I wanted to make sure that I got the best grade that I could. But they talk between themselves (we had a group chat specifically for it!) and decided not to do- WITHOUT telling.

I don’t have as hard as so so many people so I’m so sorry that I’m complaining but I just needed to get this off my chest.

To anyone that has actually decided to read this, I really appreciate it and I hope you know how much it means to me xx

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My Plan And Feeling Good!

Recently, I’ve been feeling a lot better about myself. Not about me in relations to other people as I still don’t feel like they like me around but just with myself. Yesterday, for Children In Need, it was none school uniform and I did my makeup and I felt a crazyyyyy thing that I never feel. I felt pretty. Not as in popular kid pretty or particularity pretty compared to a lot of people but I looked in the mirror and was happy about it. About 3 people came up to me and said that I looked pretty. It made me super happy and feel much better about myself.

Also, I’ve been super happy about my tests. I told like to talk about things like this normally as I feel like it makes me seem like a show-off and arrogant. But it’s not too nice for me because I can only be inwardly happy due to feeling awful about being happy in case others didn’t do as well. So, I’m so, so, so, so sorry if this comes across as arrogant! I honestly don’t want it to be like that!

Anywhale, previously, I’ve always been able to get top marks without doing any revision- although, I’ve always tried very hard in lessons. But at the start of this year I didn’t feel like I was doing as well, my grades were sinking in comparison to others- I was average. I felt like everything was going wrong, my grades were lowering and everyone around me seemed to not care about me. It was a really hard time for me.

But, we did quite a few tests back recently and I was just so happy about the results. We have these small maths tests after every topic and I got top on both of them, with full marks of one and almost full marks on my other if I weren’t 0.1 off the actual answer. GRRRRR. But then we had an English test, English is definitely not one of my strongest subjects, but we got it back and I was so happy with the results! I wasn’t top but I was near the top and it gave me lots more confidence. And finally, I got the results back from the science test and I was one mark off full marks! Top mark in my year, I was super duper happy!

Panda, Bear, Cute, Happy, Young, Animal
Here’s a picture of a super happy and adorable panda… no need to thank meh

Anywhale, onto the ‘plan’. I’ve decided that because it’s not that far away until I’m doing my GSCEs, I want to do something productive each day. It can be somehting small or something bigger, but I don’t want to do a series of pointless (I’m so sorry Netflix, I love you really!) things everyday but I also have to ake into account that I get bored by revision, which why I hardly do any, so there’s be both big and small things to do, depending on my mood. So I’ll have to do one thing from the list each day.

Some of the things:

  • Do one activity on duolingo (Spanish is my weakest subject). This will probably the one that I do most because it’s the quickest. I doubt I’ll keep a streak though bceause I had a streak of 56 and then lost it due to just one day. ONE. And before that, I had a streak in the 30s which I also lost due to 1 day. GRRRRR.
  • Complete a revision sheet (Just a small thing on some topics so that for tests, I’ve doing maths ones at the moment, I won’t have to do as much revision because everything will be together)
  • Write a blog post (sounds strange that I’m including it but they take a long time to write and it’s nice to get your thoughts down)
  • Homework, and yes, I am counting this because after doing it, I will just want to relax.
  • Revision. If I have a test then I’d rather revise for it than do something else!
  • Doing something for my DoE
  • Drawing
  • Writing some more on my story
  • Reading

Basically everything except scrolling through social media and pinterest, watching Netflix and watching YouTube although I’ll still do all of those things!

Thank you for reading! I hope you’re having a lovely day 🙂

Toodleloo!

-Sprinkle Of Anonymous